Chutzpah on the Streets of Washington

The classic definition of chutzpah is the man who murders his parents and then throws himself on the mercy of the court, claiming that he is an orphan. A similar thing happened yesterday in the United States Senate when the executives of Shell, BP, ConocoPhilips, Chevron, and ExxonMobile went before the Senate Judiciary Committee and demanded that the government provide them with some relief for their skyrocketing costs related to higher fuel prices. They claimed that lack of worldwide production was the cause of the price increase and that the senators could help the problem by opening up more U.S. controlled areas for greater oil drilling.

That they seemed slightly shocked that their “poor little rich girl” approach didn’t dampen the eyes of more elected officials should only be one iota of brazenness of their behavior. All this is, of course, after they’ve all posted the highest record profits ever in the history of the United States in the last two quarters. The chief executive of ExxonMobile, Rex Tillerson, earns an annual salary of $21.7 million and yet apparently believes the government that he and his political party deride owes him assistance because it costs more to fuel his (fueling) companies and his personal cars.

Meanwhile crude oil traded at over $135 per barrel last night on the Asian markets and the cost of a gallon of gasoline at the gas station outside my office was $4.19 for regular.

The one thing to make you feel better? Our friends in England have it worse. Gas prices in England are at around £1.12 per liter. Convert that to dollars per gallon and it ends up being about $8.81. Thanks, plummeting US Dollar!

Ronald Reagan Is A Better American Than You Are

Death can't keep a good man down. From our friends today at the Washington Times:

Look for Ronald Reagan to be keeping permanent watch over the U.S. Congress.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky told former first lady Nancy Reagan during a visit to the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in California this week that he is working with other senators who want to erect a statue of President Reagan in the U.S. Capitol.

"There could be no more fitting recognition than to welcome his likeness to the halls of Congress," Mr. McConnell told Mrs. Reagan.

Funny, that's what they said when they made the Ronald Reagan Building and International Trade Center, Ronald Reagan Square in Krakow, Poland, Ronald Reagan National Airport, the Ronald Reagan Memorial Highway, Ronald Reagan snack cakes, Ronald Reagan Intravenous Needle Kits, and Ronald Reagan the comic book. How many more fitting recognitions are we going to have? Also? Reagan? Never a member of Congress. But then, he was never big on trade either, so there we are.

Other things that have been suggested to be named after Ronald Reagan:

• The Pentagon
• The 10 Dollar Bill
• The International Space Station (Eat it, Russia!)
• 16th Street in Washington, DC
• Post-it notes
• Your mom

Seriously, if you're going to memorialize the man, why not consider something actually useful. Like, I don't know, maybe voting for stem-cell funding to help cure the very disease that eventually undid the man? Nope. Clearly a marble statue put into a place that the man was legally barred from even entering while he did his job.

But wait, there's more! McConnell apparently also is sponsoring legislation to establish the Ronald Reagan Centennial Commission to prepare the world for Reagan's 100th birthday in 2011. That's right, bitches. You will worship at the altar of Reagan and you will love it! Despite the fact that the man was trying to eliminate government, the Minority Leader clearly has no problem with sponsoring federal legislation to accomplish a social goal.

McConnell also reportedly told Nancy, "you can be sure that there are a lot of us in Washington who will be working hard to make sure this celebration is commensurate with your husband's achievements."

You mean, like, firing air traffic controllers and forgetting about selling arms for hostages? Man, I cannot wait to see what that parade is going to look like!

Gonzo's Got A Gun

Just when you thought life couldn't get any funnier, this happened.

When reached for comment, Alberto Gonzales is reported to have said, "I have not yet begun to kill!"

Ave Atque Vale

It had to happen eventually. One of the most significant political architects of our time announced today that he’s quitting. He’s throwing in the towel and heading out to the happy polling-grounds, never to be heard from again. And he’s doing it to “spend more time with his family.”

What are we going to do without Tommy Thompson?

What? Who were you thinking of?

Well, It Had To Happen Eventually

I’m not normally one to agree with Trent Lott, give the devil his due – the man actually said something that I think is accurate. When speaking to CongressDaily on the immigration fight that left bullet holes all over the legislative agenda in the Senate last month, he opined thusly:

Lott characterized the behavior of those who opposed to the measure, including many in his own party, as "grown men and women running from an issue they knew we needed to do. And they knew this could have been a major improvement in current law."

It ain’t a long-distance spinal fluid diagnosis via video, but the man’s at least not sounding like an idiot. Congress should be hanging its collective head in shame that they got one-upped by this guy.

We Beat Fox News At Their Own Hot-Winded Game

I was going to write one of these myself, but to be honest this is just too perfect to be tampered with:

Democrats' New 25-Point Manifesto for Congress.

Congress Is Dead. Long Live Congress.

The Dems took the house. Then they took the Governorships. Then Rick Santorum's kid flipped us all off. Then Rumsfeld resigned and the Dems took Montana. Like, at the same time. It was, like, the best minute EVER! Now Senator Macaca has bowed out as well and the Dems have control of all of congress. Man, we're in charge of one entire branch of government. That means we have, like, a mandate or something. That means we can do what we want. Yup, no way that this could possibly go wrong.

Thank God this whole messy midterm business is finally over. Now all of us politicos can stop making impassioned speeches about how important local politics are and that you should go out and vote in a midterm election that is so much less glamorous because instead of 2 candidates we have literally almost 1,000 and get back to asking the burning question that we all really want to ask: Who is going to fuck up the country from the oval office next?

Not wanting to keep us idle for long, here comes the first oval office fucker out the gate:

Tom Vilsack, Democratic governor of Iowa, has announced that he is running for president. He's doing this presumably to take advantage of some of the national spotlight and while apparently ignorant of the fact that his last name is Vilsack.

You go, Tommy! Don't let all that pro-Democrat ink dry just yet. There's a corn caucus out there somewhere and you're going to be in it.