Amish Launch New Line of Swimwear

GAHHH!!!!!

And here I was just worried about fashions from the 80s coming back into style. Also, who in the world thinks that a hot pink spandex undergarment is going to draw attention to anyone's face?

The really scary thing is I think I know the woman on the far right.

Clovis Explains It All For You

You didn’t really ask for it, but I’m giving it to you anyway! For the first time, I will answer the exact same questionnaire that Katherine Harris answered recently where she voiced her opinion that any elected official who isn’t Christian is just going to “legislate sin.” See later link on hookers for more about the moral rectitude that is Krazy Kat.

To the questions!

Why do you want to be United States Senator for Florida?

Wait a minute; this is the line for Senator? I totally thought this was for the aromatherapy sessions.

Why are you the best qualified candidate?

Truth to be told, I’m probably not.

What is your personal religious faith?

Hedonism.

Are you involved in a local place of worship? If so, in what way?

There were those couple of months that I spent in Haight-Ashbury, but I don’t think that’s what you’re asking.

Some day all of us have to give an account before God for what we have done. Are you certain in your heart that when you come to that point of accounting that you’ll spend eternity with God in Heaven?

Just a point of interest on this one, isn’t God still omnipotent? I mean, he didn't lose that ability when I wasn't looking, did he? Isn’t He going to know why it is that I’ve done the wrong things that I’ve done? Seems kind of off that He is going to have to ask me what my sins are. If He doesn’t know, doesn’t that give me an incentive to lie? I’m just saying. Something tells me that this isn’t going to be like when your parents sat you down and told you that you couldn’t leave the chair until you admitted breaking the vacuum cleaner when really it was your sister who did it.

One day when you stand before God, if He says to you, “Why should I let you into my Heaven?” What would you say in response?

Well, this is a little better. At least this implies that He knows what’s going on and just wants me to answer for my punk self. But if He doesn’t want me in his Heaven, does that imply that there’s another one down the street?

How does your faith impact the way you view your responsibilities as a public official?

If you’re asking me if I pray for people that I encounter in public, the answer is a resounding “yes”.

What role do you think people of faith should play in politics and government?

I think people of actual faith are not the issue here, since they tend to carry their faith in their hearts and not scream about it on CNN or the Sunday morning talkies. As for the other kind, I think they should play the roles that are most traditional in politics and government: lion bait. Remember in ancient Rome (or at least Gladiator) when they used to throw people to the lions for amusement? Aren’t you asking yourself at least a little bit why it is that we don’t revive that particular political custom?

Do you support civil rights protections on the basis of sexual preference?

Hrmm… let’s see here… “all men created equal”… “certain unalienable Rights”… “life, liberty, pursuit of happiness”… man, there’s just not a “no Streisand-ticket holding friends of Dorothy limp-wrists allowed” rule here anywhere!

Do you support a federal constitutional amendment to define marriage as being only between one man and one woman? Why or why not?

I actually support a federal constitutional amendment to define marriage as being only between several men and one woman. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and come to the conclusion that frankly, women are the more capable gender and should be allowed to have several husbands to attend to them. Kinda like a harem, only with guys. Or, wait, does that sound too much like what that previous question was asking?

Do you support the Florida Marriage Protection Amendment?

Will it stop MTV Spring Break from ever being aired again?

Setting aside for a moment the public policy questions related to abortion, is abortion a moral evil? Why or why not?

Clearly we’ve set aside those public policy questions to answer this one. Nope, couldn’t see how this line of questioning could go anywhere near public policy.

What public policy limits on abortion have you supported or will you support in order to decrease the number of abortions in our nation?

Ah, dammit.

What is your view of Gov. Bush’s efforts on behalf of Terri Schiavo?

I don’t know about the governor, but let me tell you I’ve always been curious as to whether or not the president really signed the legislation into effect in his jammies or if he at least had the courtesy to put on some clothes before heading into the Oval at 2:00am.

Is there something wrong with Florida and federal statutes when a severely brain-damaged woman who’s not in the process of dying can be starved and dehydrated to death by her husband with the assistance of the courts?

Tonight on Larry King Live, how to formulate a completely neutral question so as not to introduce bias in your interview! Then later, the Supreme Court Assassin Squad takes out their next hit! We’ll have all the entertainment as we take you behind the scenes to watch what happens when the judges trade in their robes and gavels for ninja suits and shuriken! Also, Greta van Susteren.

Should food and water be defined as extraordinary care, thus permitting such care to be denied to persons like Terri Schiavo?

Man, Florida! It’s like you’ve only got two political issues to talk about down there! Go screw up another election or something so we can change the subject.

Why should Florida Baptists care about this primary election?

Because If I won, I would offer free hookers to all interested Baptists. (Hey, it’s good enough for Kitty Harris and Mitchell Wade!)

The Passion of John McCain or How I Learned How to Stop Worrying and Love Liberty University

This past May, John McCain delivered the commencement speech at Liberty University, the (unacredited) Virginia school founded by, designed by, and probably wet-dreamed over by none other than Jerry Falwell himself. (For an amusing game regarding Lib U, go to this picture here and see how many non-whites you can find.)

Now, I've long thought that Liberty was something of a strange place to consider for higher educational choice, but I understand that some folks want something different out of their college experience. They want the safety of a school that fosters their faith and their system of beliefs, where I was more persuaded by the keggers and the co-eds. Whatever. To each his own. In any case, however, it gives pause to imagine what a student at Liberty would do if confronted with one not of his or her ilk. Liberty offers a wide variety of courses of study, almost all of them similar at least in name to what you would find anywhere else. I personally marvel a little bit at the type of arguments that a Liberty U polysci student would make, but what the hell.

Given it's strict background and ideological foundations, it is understandable that McCain's choice of a commencement speech there would possibly frighten some of us who see him as a viable candidate for the Republican nomination, especially in light of his White Knight characterization from the 2000 election. We lefties like to think that he is at least the one righty who actually understands how terrible the Bush years have been, so when we see him (as we often have of late) cozying up to said president, we get a little nervous.

I would love to see McCain as a candidate, provided that he doesn't jump headfirst into the bushes and start drinking the kool-aid. And so, I understand how freaky it looks to see the once centrist candidate making a bee-line to speak at the University of Intolerance. But look over his speech and I think you'll see something interesting: He's talking about change. Civility was the order of his speech, not culture wars. It was an out-of-season call for peace on earth and goodwill towards men, and hopefully, women.

We as liberals cannot afford to throw our hands up in the air whenever McCain talks to the people we believe to be wackos. Why not? Because they're certainly not going to let us in there to talk to them, so why not choose the guy who will and will do it correctly? It does no good to preach to the choir. The congregation are the ones in need. McCain isn't selling out his convictions just because he chose to speak to the ultra-right. He's telling them the lessons that, frankly, they need to hear.

So what do we take out of this? Lesson #1) Don't freak out. McCain isn't crazy and if anything he's doing some good talking sense to a crowd that probably won't hear it from us. Lesson #2) We are just as crazy if we as liberals believe that we aren't in need of similar intervention from time to time.

I'm not saying that I endorse John McCain for president. It will still take some work for him to convince me that just because he would be in office, the Republican machine that has done such a bang-up job running the world these past six years won't be. I am saying that I am no longer as worried about him finding his way to the Dark Side as I used to be.

Vox Populi Speaks. I Shudder.

Two letters to the editor of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette today I think illustrate the political divide in America nowadays quite nicely. I'll let you, dear reader, decide which argument you think has more weight to it. (Hey, check me out. I report, you decide. Just like Fox News. Only, less with the cartoon-y graphics and rampant fearmongering, and more with the sensible argument.)

First up, Letter #1:

Lieberman reached out and GOP didn't

If the recent Democratic primary in Connecticut was simply about a long-standing senator becoming so caught up in national politics that he lost touch with his constituents, that would be a tragedy.

If it was simply that a man was too proud to admit defeat and now risks splitting his party's vote and handing his seat over to his political opponents, that would truly be regrettable. But the real tragedy lies even deeper than all of that.

True, Sen. Lieberman embraced an unfavorable position. And, yes, in the eyes of many, his actions and attitudes became more like those of the current administration than of the loyal opposition.

However, the real tragedy in all of this is the betrayal of the American people and our system of government by this administration. After all, it came into office six years ago with talk of uniting the political landscape. But it was Sen. Lieberman who reached out in support of the Iraq war. The Republican Party has failed to reach back.

Many Democrats expressed support of national security issues and the Iraq war and received nothing in return. How can true bipartisan government become a reality if only one side reaches across the aisle?

Theirs is not a recipe for unity, but one for assimilation. Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Melhman talks of adapting to win. But what of adapting to lead? The current administration has betrayed the trust of the American people and that is the greatest tragedy of the Connecticut primary.

Next up, Letter #2:

Democrats at fault

I strongly disagree with Jim Burn's Aug. 17 letter. Mr. Burn criticized Bush administration officials for commenting on Ned Lamont's win over Joe Lieberman for the U.S. Senate nomination in the Connecticut Democrat Primary.

Yet Democrats viciously ridicule Republicans and President Bush every day, often implying that the president is stupid. But when Republicans mildly criticize Democrats, it's a federal offense. Well, I got news for Mr. Burn, freedom of speech is for everyone, not just for Democrats!

Mr. Burn also wrongly accused Republicans of politicizing the war when it is really the Democrats who are playing politics and undermining the president's courageous efforts to fight the War on Terror.

Politically motivated nagging by blowhards like Ted Kennedy and John Murtha to cut and run from Iraq is encouraging the insurgents in Iraq to hang on and wait for U.S. public opinion to change.

If it were not for the Democrats' constant politicization of the war, terrorist activity in Iraq would have subsided by now and many of our troops would be home. Shamefully, the Democrats are putting the lives of our troops at risk.

As local chairman of the party that has controlled this county for over 50 years with policies that have resulted in bankrupting the city and causing several hundred thousand people to leave this area in search of jobs due to that party's anti-business policies, Mr. Burn has little reason to criticize President Bush.

You go, you Brave Little Toaster. You exercise those first amendment rights, you! And what's the best way to make your point about them? Clearly, by saying that if you think the President isn't functioning on all cylinders, you shouldn't be allowed to say it in public. For the record, very few of us are implying that President Bush is stupid. We are almost all unilaterally saying it flat out.

Also, the word "politicization" is the act of engaging in or discussing politics. According to this member of the political Greek chorus, by even talking about politics, I have clearly awarded a decisive victory to the terrorists. At least this gentleman and I are on the same page that terrorism has increased in Iraq since the United States got involved there. But still, silly me for wanting my elected officials to talk about or engage in politics, since that's what I pay them to do.

In the interest of full disclosure (another thing, by the way, you won't see on Fox News), I will admit that the author of Letter #1 is a buddy of mine who not only has a keen mind, but can also dig you a retaining wall that even Michael Brown at his FEMAyist would have taken note of. Check out the link to What Would You Say for more.

Tucker Carlson Accuses Dems of Being Wimps Then Films Self Ballroom Dancing

I so wish that I could make this stuff up, but I swear to God that it's real. Tucker Carlson accused Democrats of having too many women running the show for them and for being "wussies" on his show yesterday. He sounded off for several minutes on how wimpy the men in the Democratic Party were and how "grouchy feminists with mustaches" run the party.

Then, to showcase how manly he and the Republicans are by comparison, he accepted a part on the upcoming ABC television show, Dancing with the Stars. I'm totally not kidding about that part.

The thing is, Tucker Carlson actually sounds concerned for us poor male Democrats. He sounds genuinely worried for us that we're going to let Hillary Clinton "bulldoze" her way into our nominating hearts. Why in the world would he be so worked up? It's not like she's got a major campaign war chest despite running practically unopposed in her current senate race, or massive backing to launch a nation-wide race. Sheesh, Tucker. Go put your bow-tie back on.

"News" Flash: Southern Senator Possibly Racist, Certainly Slimy

In the growing battle for the race to become the next Distinguished Gentleman from the great state of Virginia, George Allen is ahead at least in terms of being distinguished. The incumbent senator is fighting off Democratic challenger Jim Webb in one of the many hotly watched elections this cycle.

Allen, while generally running a good campaign thus far, stepped in it big time this week when he referred to a young man of Indian decent as a "Macaca". I'll be honest with you, I don't know what a Macaca is, but the vox populi has apparently found it to be gasp-worthy, so who am I to go against a scandal?

WaPo reports the story here of what Allen is doing in the way of damage control. My personal favorite so far is his insistence that he actually meant to say "Mohawk" and that irrespective of any possible racism, he loves the Indian community "in his heart". All this despite being a senator who used to like to wax poetic on the subject of the Confederate flag and prominently displayed a noose in his office. In Virginia, it would seem, Robert E. Lee may have surrendered but George Allen never did.

ATTENTION INDIAN COMMUNITY OF VIRGINIA: This may be your only warning. Please don't screw it up for the rest of the state.

Cynthia, We Hardly Knew Ye

Ave atque Vale, Cynthia.

Cynthia McKinney, the boisterous Democratic representative from Atlanta has been defeated in the Georgia primary, meaning that she will not be able to even run again for her currently held position in the United States House of Representatives. Thus passes one of the more interesting characters ever to walk the halls of the US congress.

How do you sum up Cynthia McKinney? It's a lot like asking, "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" I suppose. Do you talk about her penchant for punching security guards? Do you reminisce about her throwing her cell phone at someone? Do you talk about her hair? Or do you just leave with this tidbit about her concession speech:

"Before she began her remarks, she played the song 'Dear Mr. President,' an anti-Bush anthem by Pink, and sang along, somewhat out of tune, with its critical lyrics."

The real problem, of course, is that Rep. McKinney is not nearly as insane as she appears to be. The woman has done a good job of bringing some actual honest-to-God issues to the table that need discussing in this country. Now if only she had done it in a manner that didn't so much call to mind a junior high school cafeteria food fight, some actual debate could have come out of her efforts.

Thank God there's still Joe Liebermann.*


*Actually, there isn't. Leibermann also lost his reelection bid in the Connecticut primary last night. But rest assured, all you suburbanites from the nutmeg state, Joementum is a fire that cannot be quenched.

I Love Mitt Romney

Ah, Mitt. You never cease to bring me amusement. All I can say is, if this is the birth cry of the next presidential race, boy am I excited for 2008.

But What About the Escalators?

Looks like Rick Santorum's upset again, although in the litany of thing that he could be upset about (his campaign possibly illegally fixing the fall races to steal votes from his challenger, falsely declaring that the United States had found WMDs in Iraq when really it was just the leftovers from 1990, that he's perennially somewhere between 10 and 20 points behind Bob Casey, Jr.) what he's not happy about is that too many tourists and reporters are using the Senator-Only elevators at the Capitol.

In the building recently, he apparently managed to "squeeze in" to the elevator after berating a bunch of tourists and media types, complaining,"some of the rest of us need to get on board, too".

Rick Santorum. Keeping the Capitol elevators safe from riff-raff with press passes.