Clovis Explains It All For You

You didn’t really ask for it, but I’m giving it to you anyway! For the first time, I will answer the exact same questionnaire that Katherine Harris answered recently where she voiced her opinion that any elected official who isn’t Christian is just going to “legislate sin.” See later link on hookers for more about the moral rectitude that is Krazy Kat.

To the questions!

Why do you want to be United States Senator for Florida?

Wait a minute; this is the line for Senator? I totally thought this was for the aromatherapy sessions.

Why are you the best qualified candidate?

Truth to be told, I’m probably not.

What is your personal religious faith?

Hedonism.

Are you involved in a local place of worship? If so, in what way?

There were those couple of months that I spent in Haight-Ashbury, but I don’t think that’s what you’re asking.

Some day all of us have to give an account before God for what we have done. Are you certain in your heart that when you come to that point of accounting that you’ll spend eternity with God in Heaven?

Just a point of interest on this one, isn’t God still omnipotent? I mean, he didn't lose that ability when I wasn't looking, did he? Isn’t He going to know why it is that I’ve done the wrong things that I’ve done? Seems kind of off that He is going to have to ask me what my sins are. If He doesn’t know, doesn’t that give me an incentive to lie? I’m just saying. Something tells me that this isn’t going to be like when your parents sat you down and told you that you couldn’t leave the chair until you admitted breaking the vacuum cleaner when really it was your sister who did it.

One day when you stand before God, if He says to you, “Why should I let you into my Heaven?” What would you say in response?

Well, this is a little better. At least this implies that He knows what’s going on and just wants me to answer for my punk self. But if He doesn’t want me in his Heaven, does that imply that there’s another one down the street?

How does your faith impact the way you view your responsibilities as a public official?

If you’re asking me if I pray for people that I encounter in public, the answer is a resounding “yes”.

What role do you think people of faith should play in politics and government?

I think people of actual faith are not the issue here, since they tend to carry their faith in their hearts and not scream about it on CNN or the Sunday morning talkies. As for the other kind, I think they should play the roles that are most traditional in politics and government: lion bait. Remember in ancient Rome (or at least Gladiator) when they used to throw people to the lions for amusement? Aren’t you asking yourself at least a little bit why it is that we don’t revive that particular political custom?

Do you support civil rights protections on the basis of sexual preference?

Hrmm… let’s see here… “all men created equal”… “certain unalienable Rights”… “life, liberty, pursuit of happiness”… man, there’s just not a “no Streisand-ticket holding friends of Dorothy limp-wrists allowed” rule here anywhere!

Do you support a federal constitutional amendment to define marriage as being only between one man and one woman? Why or why not?

I actually support a federal constitutional amendment to define marriage as being only between several men and one woman. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and come to the conclusion that frankly, women are the more capable gender and should be allowed to have several husbands to attend to them. Kinda like a harem, only with guys. Or, wait, does that sound too much like what that previous question was asking?

Do you support the Florida Marriage Protection Amendment?

Will it stop MTV Spring Break from ever being aired again?

Setting aside for a moment the public policy questions related to abortion, is abortion a moral evil? Why or why not?

Clearly we’ve set aside those public policy questions to answer this one. Nope, couldn’t see how this line of questioning could go anywhere near public policy.

What public policy limits on abortion have you supported or will you support in order to decrease the number of abortions in our nation?

Ah, dammit.

What is your view of Gov. Bush’s efforts on behalf of Terri Schiavo?

I don’t know about the governor, but let me tell you I’ve always been curious as to whether or not the president really signed the legislation into effect in his jammies or if he at least had the courtesy to put on some clothes before heading into the Oval at 2:00am.

Is there something wrong with Florida and federal statutes when a severely brain-damaged woman who’s not in the process of dying can be starved and dehydrated to death by her husband with the assistance of the courts?

Tonight on Larry King Live, how to formulate a completely neutral question so as not to introduce bias in your interview! Then later, the Supreme Court Assassin Squad takes out their next hit! We’ll have all the entertainment as we take you behind the scenes to watch what happens when the judges trade in their robes and gavels for ninja suits and shuriken! Also, Greta van Susteren.

Should food and water be defined as extraordinary care, thus permitting such care to be denied to persons like Terri Schiavo?

Man, Florida! It’s like you’ve only got two political issues to talk about down there! Go screw up another election or something so we can change the subject.

Why should Florida Baptists care about this primary election?

Because If I won, I would offer free hookers to all interested Baptists. (Hey, it’s good enough for Kitty Harris and Mitchell Wade!)